Monday 25 February 2013 by Gary Stanton

Moody’s to downgrade UK threesomes to twosomes


Sex fanatics’ worst fears were confirmed this morning after credit-rating agency Moody’s expressed a lack of confidence in the UK’s ability to perform group sex convincingly.

As of this Monday evening after University Challenge, British threesomes will be defined as two people enduring regular protracted intercourse.

Swingers will be the first to experience the new ‘bedroom austerity’, with the reforms expected to leave a revolting bitter taste in the mouth.

Gangbangs are also likely to be hit hard with the downgrade meaning that sweaty clusterfucks the length and breadth of Britain will be forced to feature one less member.

The French, meanwhile, have already suffered a similar downgrade with the popular ménage-a-trois being replaced by the markedly less frantic ménage-a-deux.

Moody’s downgrade

Threesome fan, Simon Williams, said that the coalition’s failed austerity drive had seriously undermined his chances of growth.

“Normally when my wife and I have coitus we can be assured that there is a third person in the room, either simultaneously pleasuring themselves or getting ready to join in the no holds-barred hardcore action,” he told us.

“Under the new regulations, this person has to leave the room while my wife and I finish ourselves off.”

“Things were never this bad under Labour.”

However, the resourceful British are already seeking ways around the problem and have come up with some enterprising solutions.

Williams added, “Yesterday we invited our neighbours Steve and Julie over for a foursome, only this time Steve has agreed to stay at home.”

“You do the maths.”

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