Britain’s most senior Roman Catholic cleric has resigned, following allegations that he tried it on with males well past the age of consent.
Cardinal O’Brien is alleged to have plied elderly priests with drink, before attempting to get into their cassocks.
But despite their obvious Adam’s Apples and prominent nose hair, the Cardinal ‘made no attempt’ to check they were still going through puberty.
“The Catholic church has a relaxed attitude to the ‘Children of God’, especially those that claim they’ve been touched by his representative on Earth”, explained O’Brien.
“Showing an interest in choirboys is one thing, but bashing the Bishops is quite another. Although in my defence I will say they can look remarkably similar: kneeling in front of you, eyes closed, waiting to receive the meat of Christ.”
O’Brien is famously intolerant of homosexuality, believing it to be ‘damaging’ to the careers of those in the Church who are outed.
Leading by example, O’Brien stepped down from the world’s largest organised group of child rapists, his attraction to adults being at odds with his peers.
Critics have welcomed the Church’s ‘new openness’, praising the way a possible homosexual has been hounded from office so quickly and publicly.
“Some matters should still be dealt with internally and in private”, insisted Sub-pope James Cahill. “For example, matters relating to rank hypocrisy, lies about science, or the molestation of minors.”
O’Brien is the first to benefit from the Vatican’s new ‘Fast-track Bigotry’ initiative, which acts as a smokescreen to the organisation’s festering core.
“As soon as I found out I might have done something gay, I knew I had to sack myself”, O’Brien admitted.
“Cardinals and Bishops rely on pent-up sexual frustration to stoke the fires of vengeful fury.”
“We’re not some laid-back bunch of Buddhists, we’re all about the smiting and damnation.”
“That’s an institution we don’t want to see undermined by mutually consensual sex between adults.”