Tuesday 19 February 2013 by Formelia Alberthine

UK retailers assure public that meat reports will contain 100% bull


DNA supermarket tests

Britain’s largest food retailers have confirmed that their regular reporting of DNA tests on processed beef will comprise solely of bull, according to Environment Secretary Owen Paterson.

The news comes after Mr Paterson met with supermarket executives to discuss how to restore consumer confidence following the horsemeat scandal, whilst also preserving their corporate profit margins.

A spokeswoman for Paterson, Sheila Mount, told us, “It was a wide-ranging meeting, focussing temporarily on assuaging the fears of a nation concerned for their physical wellbeing.”

“Before switching firmly on how to affix wool across the collective eyes of the nation, a bit like horse blinkers, really.”

“This led us to consider the publication of a meaningless report at set intervals, filled with an amount of bull the public would have previously expected to find within their ready meals.”

DNA retailer reports

Frequent consumer Trevor Pesk, said he would rather eat from a dustbin, than dine on the word of supermarket executives and politicians.

“This whole scandal has brought the very fabric of consumerism into disrepute.”

“If you cannot be sure that supermarkets are only exploiting you regarding product choice or cost, then where do you stand?”

“On the most painful part of these chief executives, preferably.”

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