Monday 18 February 2013 by Waylandsmithy

Police uncover ‘working pair of legs’ in Pistorius wardrobe


Police in South Africa have discovered more damning evidence against Oscar Pistorius, in the form of two perfectly functional legs in the back of his wardrobe.

Pistorius is suspected of murdering girlfriend Reena Steenkamp, but the latest revelation suggests he really is a proper bastard.

“When I heard that he’d probably shot his super-pretty girlfriend, moved the body and then shot her again, I thought to myself, ‘I bet there’s a simple explanation'”, said sports fan Arnold Gresham.

“But then I heard about previous disturbances at his house, a bloodied cricket bat, a bag of steroids and a secret biology laboratory sustaining his actual, real legs. Well, it does start to make you wonder.”

Gresham had hoped to stay a loyal fan of Pistorius, but the steady flow of revelations is beginning to undermine that.

“We all make mistakes”, he admitted”, “but cheating against the disabled is just wrong. I think he owes us an apology, a bit like Lance Armstrong.”

Pistorius revelations

In the past, being suspected of a brutal, violent murder was enough to cause the public to slowly drift away from their heroes.

But as Gresham explained, he wasn’t truly shocked by the unspeakable crime, until he totted up all of the other sensational details.

“You hear about murders all the time”, said Gresham, “there were more than 15,000 in South Africa last year alone.”

“But it’s hard to be interested, unless the newspapers can find an interesting twist. I hope it’s a long trial, so we can properly vilify him.”

Gresham has decided not to follow in his hero’s foot-steps now, and has cancelled a leg reduction surgery at a back-street amputation clinic.

“I feel stupid for looking up to him, but I guess it’s inevitable with his 37″ inside leg. I used to think he was half the man he really is.”

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