Friday 15 February 2013 by Formelia Alberthine

Russian meteorite found to be 30% horse


The Food Standards Agency (FSA) has addresses criticism of its role in the horsemeat scandal by claiming that the meteor which fell over Russia’s Ural mountains contained no more than 30% horse.

The agency – which insists its heads has been buried in the sand recently due to tests being conducted on the levels of ostrich found in ostrich – was quick to criticise the marketing team behind the extra-terrestrial intruder.

“It’s a shameful deceit of consumers which has been perpetrated by this ruthless campaign,” an FSA spokesman told us.

“Just say the word ‘meteor’ out loud over and over, ‘meteor’, ‘meteor, ‘meatier’.”

“There we have it, ‘meatier’, but meatier than what?”

“Now I have no doubt that this galactic entity contains more meat than a Tesco sold ‘carnivore’s barbecue for ten’, but nonetheless, we estimate it to be somewhere in the region of 30% horsemeat, which is frankly, embarrassing.”

“In our opinion, to be claiming the ‘meteor’ moniker, you need to be just a little bit more ‘meatier.”

“I mean a burgers a burger at 40% meat, so that should be the target.”

meteor contains horse meat

astrophysicist, Steven Hawking, said he understood the necessity to cram a burger full of unknown substances to sustain the diets of working class families.

“Working class families are these days lucky to be 10% meat themselves, but labelling this meteor anything other than a flaming ball of space rubble is scurrilous.”

“If people want a burger that has very little horse in it, they should look to buy Tesco Value Horse burgers – christ knows what’s in those.”

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