Thursday 7 February 2013 by Waylandsmithy

Cat replaces iron as ‘least useful household object’


Cats useless

The trusty British cat could be on its way out, after it was voted the UK’s least useful gadget.

Cats have been in use in Britain since late 1960, when the first example appeared in the opening credits for Coronation Street.

The power of advertising saw many families rushing out to pet shops to try and grab one, before continuing to the chemist for some Savlon and plasters.

“Cats can be found on almost half the kitchen worktops up and down the country”, explained feline expert Danielle Hopkins.

“But what they’re actually for remains a mystery, so we might as well get rid.”

Cats useless

Following in the footsteps of vegetable steamers, Sodastreams and that thing you hang bananas on, many useless cats have spent the last few years stuffed in the cupboard under the sink.

But being usurped by the electric iron came as a shock to Hopkins, who like most dishevelled cat owners gave up caring about her appearance long ago.

“It’s lovely to curl up in front of the telly with something warm on your lap”, claimed Hopkins. “But most irons are quite heavy, don’t cover you in fur or lacerate your thighs if you so much as try to breathe out.”

While early trials found a well-aimed iron could indeed kill dozens of song birds, attempts to make one shit in a tray full of gravel have so far come to nothing.

People who find themselves burdened with cats are being urged to give them to charity, where their underlying pointlessness could be of benefit to the homeless.

“Living rough on the streets can be impossibly hard, especially in the Winter”, acknowledged Hopkins.

“But just an afternoon with a second-hand cat can help them realise how much better off they are with a dog.”

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