Monday 4 February 2013 by Waylandsmithy

William Hague declares ‘imminent victory’ in Britain’s war on moths


Foreign Secretary William Hague has revealed that Britain’s war on moths may be in the final stages, after decades of skirmishing with the ‘dusty-winged little bastards’.

Hague gave a rousing speech to a packed audience of moth-eaten peers, promising a decisive victory ‘was just weeks away’, given a bright torch and a tennis racquet.

“When I’m out ont’ moors, doin’ manly heterosexual activities by moonlight, moths is allus buzzin’ round the more bright patches of my noble yet highly reflective for’ead”, explained Hague.

“But mark my words, no man will endyooer t’misery of bloody ‘night wasps’ any longer. We’s is infiltratin’ the pointless buggers with de-prettified butterflies, disguised with names of dead caterpillars.”

Pausing for dramatic effect and a quick check of his reflection in a pint glass, Hague delicately removed a captive moth from an antique pocket insectorium.

“Gentlemen, an’ ladies, here’s one of the sodding flappers right ‘ere in front of us”, boasted Hague, before clenching his fists, gritting his teeth and bringing himself to look it in the antennae.

Hague nears victory

Clearly nervous, the Secrety of State growled at the moth for the cameras, before letting out a shrill yelp of panic as he struggled to grip it by the wings.

“Come on then!”, squeaked Hague, as he wrenched at the nocturnal insect’s flying apparatus.

“I’ve tried negotiating but moths still creep me out. Best we kill the buggers.”

Hague vowed that England’s countryside would no longer be darkened by the threat of moths, and promised to oversee an end to woodlice, earwigs and largeish rabbits.

“It’s all very well sayin’ ‘they serve a purpose’, but I’m buggered if I can find one’ said Hague. “But ‘opefully once I’m done with t’moths, you’ll see us coalition can come in handy.”

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