Wednesday 30 January 2013 by Waylandsmithy

OFT ‘doing fantastic job’ finds OFT


A lengthy yet cursory audit of the Office of Fair Trading has revealed just what an exceptional quango it is, reported the Office of Fair Trading today.

The report was commissioned recently by the OFT itself, to silence criticism of recent reports by the OFT.

As many had predicted the document had very few complaints about the department, although senior managers were found to be ‘working too hard, and with too much integrity’.

Motorists in particular will welcome the news, after some had questioned an investigation into the petrol industry.

“When I found that the diesel I’d bought had been watered down with tea, I began to wonder if I was being ripped off”, complained motorist David Harper.

“Thanks to the OFT, I now realise it was my fault for noticing. I’m just hoping the oil companies don’t try and sue me.”

OFT reports on OFT

Staff from the OFT had spent 15 months investigating petrol price-fixing, but found no evidence from interrogating the nice people behind the kiosks.

“We asked thousands of till operators up and down the country if they were ‘trying to fuck with us'”, explained one of the report’s authors.

“83% of them said ‘no’, and the rest called the police. Perhaps it was a mistake to disguise our staff in balaclavas.”

Despite the report being riddled with such errors, the OFT will be ‘reassured’ by its own findings.

Chief executive Clive Maxwell will take particular comfort from the summary, which reveals that chief executive Clive Maxwell is ‘a beautiful and wise man, of unparalleled sexual prowess.’

The OFT has been criticised in the past for a supposed ‘lack of teeth’, as well as an obvious absence of eyes, ears and brains. But the glossy new report shows that’s an illusion.

“Our researchers found a slightly over-priced Kit-Kat at a Shell garage in Dorset”, revealed Maxwell.

“It’s our recommendation that anyone affected is offered 25% compensation. When you’re struggling to afford another tank of the cheapest fuel in Europe, we’re here to ensure the oil companies give you the finger.”

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