Ministers to deter immigrants with daytime TV

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Ministers are considering airing a selection of British daytime TV shows in Bulgaria and Romania in the hope of persuading potential immigrants to stay away from the UK.

It is hoped that immigrants will reconsider their options after viewing a range of TV programmes that would struggle to match the intellect of Jedward’s piss steam.

A report over the weekend quoted one minister as saying that such a negative advert would help “create the impression that the streets of Britain are paved with morons who have more hands than they do teeth”.

A Downing Street spokesperson confirmed that the programmes broadcast will give immigrants a valuable insight into the lives of some of the UK’s most depressing fuckwits.

“Just five minutes of daytime TV could help bring about a significant reduction in the number of immigrants wanting to come to the UK.

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“Anyone who still wants to come here after watching an episode of the Jeremy Kyle Show should be considered a danger to themselves and others.”

Immigrant deterrent

The spokesperson went on to confirm that the plans may not just be restricted to daytime shows that feature more examples of inbreeding than Crufts.

“The UK has a high volume of television programmes that could plunge even the most optimistic characters into the very depths of despair,” the spokesperson explained.

“It had always been assumed that the suicide rate increases over the festive period because of loneliness, but new figures show it’s actually down to ITV’s Christmas schedule.

“Just imagine what impact their Saturday night line-up could have on reducing immigration numbers.

“Take Me Out would probably achieve more in one episode than the UK Border Agency has in the last five years.”