Monday 28 January 2013 by Spacey

‘Major technological breakthrough’ as man fixes computer by shouting at it


IT help desks could become a thing of the past after a frustrated office worker managed to fix his computer by urging it to ‘Work you fucking useless shitepile of shitting arse-twat’.

The incident, which has been heralded as a major technological breakthrough by experts, could lead to complex computer issues being solved using a range of profanity delivered with varying degrees of anger.

Computer expert Jeremy Burton revealed that a study was already underway to determine the combinations of verbal abuse that computers are most likely to respond to.

“So far we’ve discovered that spending up to an hour on the phone trying to sort out a password reset can be easily avoided by simply throwing a biro at your PC monitor and calling it a wanky-faced cunt-shovel,” he said.

“The appearance of an error message stating that your computer has experienced a problem and needs to shut down can be easily rectified by lifting the keyboard above your head and shouting, ‘you’re going out the fucking window you bollock-buttoned bastard’.”

Technology revolution

Burton also went on to suggest that appliances responding positively to aggressive behaviour may not be limited to computers after it was reported that a man was able to make a footballer on FIFA 13 successfully complete a bicycle kick by threatening his game console with a blow-torch.

“This could revolutionise the relationship we have with technology,” he enthused.

“Trying to operate machinery without reading the instruction manual is a common practice amongst the majority of people.

“We could soon enter a new golden era where troubleshooting consists of threatening behaviour and offensive language.”

32 year-old Marcus Wilkins, who made the discovery, revealed how his life had been transformed since learning that some electrical goods become more compliant when on the receiving end of a foul-mouthed tirade.

“It’s amazing!” he told us.

“I lost the remote control the other day, but I still managed to change channels on the TV just by calling it a hobgoblin cunt.”

Apple are just one of numerous companies who are looking to develop a new line in self-deprecating technology that insults itself back to a state of repair.

“It’s in its early stages, but we hope to have the iNoshgoats in stores by 2015,” revealed an Apple spokesperson.

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