Thursday 24 January 2013 by Waylandsmithy

US women celebrate ‘equal right’ to be mindless killing machines


US women on the front line

With so many foreigners to kill and not enough time to do it, the US Army has finally agreed to allow women to become desensitized monsters.

Until now, top brass haven’t allowed females to take part in combat missions. Posing for photos with humiliated, naked prisoners has been the closest many have got to committing an atrocity.

“Throughout history, there’s been a reluctance to give women guns and let them run amok in far-away places”, explained Military psychologist Judy Baker.

“Males have traditionally filled the ‘hunter/massacre role, while the females goad them on.”

US women on front-line

Baker has carried out studies into the effects of a woman’s touch on an assault rifle’s hair trigger, and found teenage girls can be every bit as good at killing as the next carefully dehumanized boy.

“Some say a woman’s place is in the home, not thousands of miles away bayoneting strangers in the face”, complained Baker.

“But that’s an outdated, sexist opinion and I’ll brutally slaughter, gut and incinerate anyone who says different.”

Baker’s research was instrumental in putting women on the front line, where she hopes to put the ‘blonde’ back into ‘bombshells’.

“If you train them properly, a young lady will be just as effective at tearing someone’s head off as the guys.”

“In fact they’re often far, far better at it, if you invade at the right time of the month.”

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