Tuesday 22 January 2013 by Formelia Alberthine

Rise in suicide welcome boost to funeral services sector, claims Osborne


Suicide rates up in the UK

After the Office for National Statistics reported a sharp rise in suicides in the UK, George Osborne has hailed the boost to the funeral service sector as proof his economic policies work.

Figures released reveal an increase in self-afflicted deaths to 6,045 for 2011, up 437 from 2010, leading the chancellor to hail the positive impact of the austerity measures he introduced.

He told journalists outside No.11, “What we have here is demonstrable proof that the Coalition’s policies to get Britain’s economy moving are showing the tentative green shoots of recovery.”

“That there are members of the public literally beneath these very shoots, pushing them up, is by the by.”

“Right at the outset, we stressed how difficult these times would be, and I can only thank those who so selflessly took it upon themselves to give wind to the sails of one of the world’s oldest professions.”

“The majority of these people not only shed the burden of the Coalition’s intent, but the drain on the country’s coffers their very existence presents.”

Osborne hoped more members of the electorate would follow suit and ‘do right by the country.’

“This kind of act is the most noble of all departures.”

“Far nobler than the one awaits my party is 2015.”

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