Thursday 17 January 2013 by Formelia Alberthine

UK High Street stores move above Pandas in global ‘endangered’ list


High Street Stores across the UK have been added to the worldwide endangered species list, with economic climate change thought to be a major contributing factor in their expected demise.

Following the recent extinction of retailers HMV and Blockbuster, experts forecast other well-known chains displaying anachronistic traits which steadfastly shun evolution, will succumb in a similar fashion to those that have already fallen prey to hard times.

Professor of Economics, Hilary Trump, believes consumers displaying a penchant for modern fads, such as the internet and drug addiction, could see those chains persisting with 1970’s business models, going the way of the dinosaurs.

She told business leaders at an industry convention, “In the age of austerity, where consumers are displaying the kind of savvy big business previously used to exploit its customers, offering items in a format shoppers actually want is crucial.”

UK High St ‘endangered’

Trump went on, “Shoppers don’t want milk served in glass bottles, they don’t want to visit a Bernie’s steak house, do they?”

“No, they want to sit at home on their fat arse’s downloading films for free in between jerking off to ‘Hannah does Dallas’.”

“Online competition is clearly having a negative impact.”

Avid consumer, Sheila Mount, said the last time competition was deemed a bad thing, Lance Armstrong was on hand dishing out the packed lunches.

“Selling things nobody wants in an era when they have no money, is as futile as becoming a hermaphrodite flasher.”

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