Monday 14 January 2013 by Formelia Alberthine

New state pension will make it much easier to ‘see how poor you are’


A new flat-rate state pension set to be outlined by the government, will be dramatically simplified to enable claimants to calculate just how close to destitution they really are, according to a Whitehall source.

The weekly payment, likely to start in April 2017, will be broken down into figures so easily digestible that most poverty-stricken pensioners will attempt to consume them prior to tallying the figures.

The Whitehall source, who wished to remain nameless, suggested No. 10 felt the difficulty the electorate had in breaking down their pension payments meant they were unsure of the  exact level of contempt they held for pensioners.

“Respecting pensioners who clogg up the arteries of the NHS is difficult enough for us as it is, that’s before giving them money to subsidise their breathing insubordinance,” he told us.

“Enabling these ‘people’ to borrow a calculator and break down their weekly payments, should, once and for all, let these persistent drains on society know exactly what we think of them.”

“I’d have thought a £8 a month towards their heating should make things clear enough.”

New flat-rate pension

Pensioner, Sheila Mount, disputed the fact she needed a calculator to work out how poor she is.

“I don’t know about you, but I am reasonably proficient in adding up a whole bunch of zeroes together, despite my old age.”

“But unlike George Osborne, these zeroes haven’t got other numbers in front of them.”

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