Friday 11 January 2013 by Formelia Alberthine

Vengeful morons send yew trees into hiding after Savile child abuse findings


Following the release of a report compiled as part of the Operation Yew investigation of Jimmy Savile, morons hell-bent on exacting vengeance have forced the majority of the UK’s yew tree population to go to ground.

The trees, conifers native to western Europe known as Taxus Baccata, have called for calm amidst reports of scores of baying mobs at various location across the country heading to woodlands to seek out the evergreens they hold responsible for the decades of unchecked abuse.

Yew tree, Charlie from Haversham, said he was forced to move root and branch as rumours spread.

“These idiots can’t see the wood for the trees, and that’s mainly because most of the wood moved itself off into sanctuary long ago in anticipation of this very event,” he told us.

“Seriously, the number of yew tree’s queuing up at Kew Gardens to be re-housed is a nightmare, and may force many in to sheltered accommodation, all at the expense of the tax payer of course.”

“It appears Savile is from the grave turning his attention to plants.”

Savile report published

Yew trees are well-known for their prickly demeanour, a theory supported by comments from Epping Forest resident, Harry.

“We demand an enquiry as to how this abuse of yew trees has gone unchecked for the duration of the Savile investigation.”

“I suggest they call it ‘Operation Thrush’ that way, maybe they will be hunted instead and our berries can remain far longer than they do currently.”

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