Monday 7 January 2013

Coalition to stay together ‘for the sake of the cabinet’


The coalition will remain together, despite both sides being desperately unhappy, in order to make things easier for ministers, officials revealed today.

With two and a half years of misery and disappointment, officials from both sides have insisted that the relationship will remain intact as long as ministers still have jobs they would like to keep.

David Cameron told ministers this morning, “It might look like things aren’t going well, but I want you all to know that Nick and I still like each other very much.”

“Leaking stuff about the other to the press is just our way of showing how much we care.”

“So just remember, you’ve all been very good ministers, and we’re all going to stay together for as long as possible.”

Coalition ‘united’

Despite the public show of unity, sources tell us that Nick Clegg has already been placing ‘Nick’s stuff’ stickers on various items around their shared offices.

As one Whitehall insider explained, “He’s preparing for the inevitable split, clearly. It’s a loveless arrangement that has done little but put a roof over his head and give him a gold-digger reputation.”

“Staying together just because you’ve got dependents who can’t survive on their own is never a good idea.”

“Just ask Brown and Blair.”

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