Friday 4 January 2013 by Gary Stanton

Hand transplant recipient slams donor’s poor masturbation technique


The fortunate recipient of an NHS hand transplant has slammed the donor’s masturbation technique as amateurish, it has emerged.

Former pub landlord Mark Cahill from West Yorkshire accused the deceased owner of a slapdash approach to palm love and of grabbing hold of his manhood ‘like it’s a box of spanners’.

Doctors took the decision to operate on Cahill, who was unable to abuse himself with his old hand after it was affected by gout.

“After the operation they packed me off to a private ward with a bottle of baby oil and the Christmas 2012 edition of Razzle,” Cahill told us.

“However, the hand went at it far too fast. I’d creamed the bed sheets before I’d even got to the faux-lesbian Santas on Page 7.”

“I’ve tried putting nail varnish on it and I’ve added a nice frilly cuff to hide the join but it’s just not right somehow,” he added.

Hand transplant

Cahill’s problems multiplied on his return home after the hand insisted on playing a grand piano at 3am after dragging him downstairs and despite his lack of any formal piano tuition.

Cahill also claims the hand grabbed the TV remote while he was watching the darts and switched over to Downton Abbey.

“I knew I should have gone down the bionic route,” he continued.

“All I will say is this: In three films, each lasting two hours, you never once saw The Terminator stick his finger up anyone’s arse.”

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