Thursday 3 January 2013

Wettest year on record sees likelihood of hosepipe ban fall to just 95%


As the Met Office announced the wettest year in England since records began, bookmakers have shortened the odds on an English hosepipe ban in 2013 to just 1-20.

The change will see gamblers staking £20 to win just one pound should England see a hosepipe ban in force, as expected, during 2013.

With record rainfall gaining blanket coverage in the nation’s media outlets, water companies have been forced to look for ever more creative excuses as to why we need a hosepipe ban in 2013.

Water industry spokesperson Simon Williams explained, “In previous years, phrases such as ‘infrastructure issues’ and ‘depleted groundwater stocks’ have been enough to deter people from getting too angry with us.”

“But it’s a bit difficult to explain a hosepipe ban when a fair proportion of the country spent the summer putting sandbags across their front door.”

“I suppose we really should have been looking for ways to store some of this water, eh?”

Wettest year on record

English person Michael James said he looked forward to a year of free water in 2013, seeing as there is ‘bloody loads of it going about at the moment’.

He told us, “It might not be growing on trees, but it’s been falling out of the sky, which is essentially the same thing, right?”

However, Met Office spokesperson Maria Marshall said consumers should not set their sights so high.

She told reporters, “The only thing worse than the weather in this country, is the ability of the water companies to supply the stuff that quite literally falls into their laps.”

“I’d expect a hosepipe ban and a 20% price rise if I were you.”

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