Almost 5 years too late, teachers in Britain are finally realising what a hideous mess we’re all in.
While much of the UK has successfully turned to drink, some educators are still trying to face the cold light of day without a nice drop of something to help take the edge off.
“When we look back at the lessons of history and see how happy we were, it’s easy to see what was at the root of it”, explained Dominic Fowley of the NUT.
“It was Mr Palmer’s hip flask, the gin in his desk, and Irish coffees at every break in the staff room.”
Fowley is urging parents to show their support for struggling teachers, by slipping old Christmas booze into the school bags of their children.
“If you’ve just spent a week with your darling family of little sods, you’ll realise just how far away half-term can seem, to a tee-total teacher”, suggested Fowley.
“By contributing a half-carton of egg-nog or a sticky old bottle of Baileys, you can let our members know that you sympathise with them, and their terrible career choice.”
With crumbling class-rooms, falling standards and pupils obsessed with becoming orange and famous, most teachers feel they’re struggling to make a difference.
“But if we learned one thing from New Year, it’s that vodka makes it all better”, insisted Fowley.
“Just a few shots can make you realise you’re potentially brilliant.”
Schools Minister Michael Gove has welcomed the plan, after completing a trial run of the top shelf spirits at a Carling Academy school in Harlow.
“Ooh, you’re right, I do feel much more confident after that”, slurred Gove.
“Have you got any more? A couple of these before breakfast and our future will look a lot brighter. God, I’m an amazingly sexy Secretary for Education.”