Wednesday 2 January 2013 by Spacey

2013 already shit


With the new year only two days old, early indications have revealed that 2013 is already failing to live up to expectations.

As people woke up yesterday to discover that they haven’t crossed over into a magical paradise full of joy and prosperity, the realisation that everything is still massively shit has come as a disappointment to millions.

“I was full of optimism on New Year’s Eve,” revealed 29 year-old Jonny Curtis.

“I’d felt sure I’d get a brilliant job and find the love of my life, but I woke up the next day to discover I’d followed through during the night and I still support Blackburn Rovers.”

“Somehow my future seems a lot bleaker than it did two days ago.”

2013 underway

54 year-old Anne Dalton has spent the new year trying to comprehend why she still has an online bingo addiction and spiralling debt.

“As I watched the spectacular fireworks display from the banks of the River Thames I remember feeling incredibly positive about what lay in store for me in 2013,” she said.

“However, It seems I still face the prospect of having my house repossessed and I’m still very, very, very lonely.”

“Roll on 2014!” she added letting off a party popper.

Others have revealed their suffering as people use the new year as an opportunity to review their lifestyle choices.

“The wife has decided to give up smoking,” 45 year-old Graham Jennings told us.

“A few hours in and she’s irritable, irrational, red-faced, aggressive and completely without reason.”

“It’s like being married to Sir Alex Ferguson.”

“2013 has already been the worst year of my life.”

Experts have revealed that blind optimism being replaced by hate-fuelled pessimism is not uncommon at this time of year.

“At the end of the year people will reassess their lives and pinpoint what changes need to be made,” explained one leading expert in this sort of thing.

“These changes often require both physical and mental strength to achieve.”

“My advice would be to forget it.”

“There’s always next year.”

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