Friday 21 December 2012 by Gary Stanton

Mayan apocalypse preferable to spending Christmas with the in-laws, survey finds


Most Britons are keeping their fingers crossed that the impending apocalypse will save them from a trip to the in-laws this Christmas, a survey has found.

Being hit in the face by an asteroid or having your limbs ripped off being by unspeakable winged beasts is infinitely more preferable than listening to some old bitch telling you how to cook a turkey properly, according to the 60 million people officially registered as living in the UK.

“An asteroid, a comet, a deadly meteor shower – I really couldn’t give a toss how it happens,” said father of two, Simon Williams, who is hoping to spend the festive period in a hastily constructed bunker in his back garden with a copy of the new Bond film.

“In fact, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are welcome to dismount right outside my house. I’ve even been to Pets at Home to stock up on hay.”

Mayan Apocalypse

William’s mother-in-law and acid-tongued harpie, Vera Stockton, 86, said, ‘That’s typical bloody Simon.”

“For once we get all the family together and he goes and ruins it by having an end of world scenario possibly brought about by a collision with the hidden planet Nibiru.”

“My Sharon deserves better.”

Williams added, “I was hoping that the increase in cosmic vibrational frequencies leading ultimately to humanity’s ascent to a higher plane of consciousness might make the old cow put a sock in it. Fat fucking chance.”

But last night Vera insisted on having possibly the last ever word.

“And as for the hay, he’s only gone and bought the wrong sort.”

“Everyone knows them apocalypse horses won’t eat owt with dandelions in it.”

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