Tuesday 18 December 2012 by Gary Stanton

Blitzen’s stance on gay marriage threatens to wreck reindeer coalition


A homophobic outburst by one of Santa’s reindeers is threatening to ruin Christmas for children across the globe, according to reports.

The row broke out late last night in darkest Lapland when key reindeer Blitzen announced she was vehemently opposed to all same-sex unions and would ‘under no circumstances’ deliver presents to homes were two men are cohabiting.

Blitzen insists she wasn’t consulted over deliveries to men who are planning to wed other men and claims she has felt increasingly marginalised by Santa’s progressive delivery agenda.

And Santa was forced to stop his sledge and call a crisis meeting after Blitzen received backing from other ‘hardline’ reindeers such as Comet and Vixen.

Blitzen now risks a clash of antlers with those on the left of the sledge including fellow reindeer ‘Prancer’ who is fully supportive of gay matrimony and is known for his habit of wandering off for days on ‘long walks.’

Gay marriage threatening coalition

“Call me a traditionalist, but I believe a man should never attempt to access another man’s passage unless he’s in a red suit and it’s a chimney stack,” Blitzen told us.

Lead reindeer Rudolph has since hit back calling on his fellow reindeers to pull in the same direction and warned Blitzen that if he continues with his anti-gay agenda he will not be allowed to join in any reindeer games.

But Blitzen responded, “If it’s the kind of games he’s got in mind then he can fucking well shove it.”

And in further bad news for well-behaved children everywhere, the row deteriorated last night when Blitzen called upon Rudolph to reveal exactly how he ended up with a very shiny nose.

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