Friday 14 December 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Immigrants insist politicians learn to speak English


Houses of parliament

An immigrant has apologised for his previous policy of nodding and smiling politely, and is now insisting politicians should learn to speak English.

“I’ve lived here most of my life, and I cannot understand what it on earth they are talking about”, complained postal worker Ahmed Kahn.

“If you complain they just start waving their hands about, and repeating themselves, louder and louder.”

With millions spent each year on translating horse shit into something the public might go for, Kahn thinks the time has come to stop pandering to them.

“Politicians are bleeding this country dry”, he insisted. “They come here from where they really live, and get a free house in the constituency.”

“And another one in London, which they fill up with their relatives.”

Immigrant demands

Ed Miliband robustly defended politicians, pointing out they’re legally if not morally entitled to seek sanctuary in a big asylum by the Thames.

“I’b beed berpectly frank oboud wob be neeb do do ob dis issue”, he stated clearly.

“Be neeb do debt ub a deering commidy and a parliamendary enquiry.”

Ed Miliband agreed with Kahn that politicians should try and integrate with the community, or at least remember the names of the towns that elected them.

And he also agreed to send politicians from all parties ‘back where they came from’, although it’s unclear exactly what Eton will do with them.

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