Tuesday 11 December 2012

Monkey to give lessons in escaping from Ikea


A rhesus macaque monkey has been booked for a sell-out world lecture tour to teach shoppers how to get out of their local Ikea.

The monkey was seen in the car park of the Toronoto Ikea store, just minutes after being spotted playing by the Konsmo wardrobes.

Learning the skills required for a successful Ikea escape cannot come soon enough for some shoppers.

35 year-old London resident Simon Williams told us by the Kivic sofas, “I’ve been here since mid June, please do something, please help me. Do you have any food other than meatballs?”

“We’ve heard rumours that the monkey can lead you to the promised land of the North Circular?”

“I’ve forgotten what my children look like, but I could draw you a Dudero floor lamp from memory.”

Ikea monkey

Another shopper explained, “I only came in because my girlfriend said we needed more tea lights, but I’ve had to set up camp in the bedroom section. This is day seventeen.”

Ikea have taken a keen interest in the monkey’s claims, and will be addressing company policy as a result.

An Ikea spokesperson told us, “We have taken on board the feedback from the Rhesus Monkey and we are taking action as a result.”

“I assure you that in the coming days will be closing any shortcuts that allow you to leave our stores without passing every single goddamn product we sell.”

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