Monday 10 December 2012 by Spacey

Cancer patients reveal excitement at new £1.2bn attack submarine


HMS Audacious submarine

Cancer, stroke and heart patients who will be affected by budget and staff cuts to the clinical networks that oversee their care have revealed their excitement after the MoD announced a nice shiny new attack submarine costing £1.2bn.

The new attack submarine, called HMS Audacious, will boast state-of-the-art technology that is so impressive that even the most ill patients will be hard-pushed not to be excited.

“I’ve heard it will have cameras fitted on a mast that feed live pictures into the control room,” said 47 year-old lung cancer sufferer James Unsworth.

“I can’t wait to find out what speeds it’s capable of.”

“I’ll certainly be sleeping a little easier tonight knowing that we’re safe from any underwater threats.”

“Can it kill giant sea monsters with atomic breath?”

New submarine

HMS Audacious will be the fourth of seven Astute Class boats being built for the Navy and will carry on board a mix of Spearfish torpedoes, Tomahawk land-attack missiles and numerous flashing lights and dials.

“I may not be around to see it in all its glory, but I’ve seen a plan that shows what the inside will look like,” said 51 year-old Joyce Brennan, who has a malignant brain tumour.

“The communication mast looks great and the decor in the senior ratings’ mess has given me a few ideas for my own bedroom.”

“It’ll be nice to spend my last few months surrounded by the ones I love and some snazzy torpedo tubes.”

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