Saturday 8 December 2012 by Spacey

Tabloids to base all headlines on how story makes Duchess of Cambridge feel


After several tabloid newspapers used their front pages to turn the tragic death of Jacintha Saldanha into a story about how sad the Duchess of Cambridge is, all future headlines will be based on how the pregnant royal feels.

Headlines such as ‘Kate indifferent to Simon Hughes probe’ and ‘Kate unaware of football results’ could soon become commonplace.

Stories that had previously been full of doom and gloom could be transformed into more upbeat headlines, such as ‘Economic woes over as figures show Kate completely unaffected’.

“The most important thing in any news story is how it makes Kate feel,” revealed a spokesperson for the Daily Mail.

“Kate is the real victim in all of this and all other news that might make her feel sad.”

Kate Middleton ‘not fond’ of this

News that Kate doesn’t have much of an opinion on the tax affairs of large corporations will come as a relief to the government who are under increasing pressure to ensure the wealthy pay their share.

“Once we have a clearer picture of how Kate feels about this then we’ll act accordingly,” revealed a Downing Street spokesperson.

“As it stands she hasn’t expressed an opinion, and we’re happy to follow that lead.”

Meanwhile in sports news, England’s cricketers have been left disappointed by their imminent victory against India after discovering that Kate isn’t that arsed.

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