Wednesday 5 December 2012 by Waylandsmithy

French sperm shortage fails to create seasonal shopper stampede


A shadowy marketing group that chooses a product for retailers to run out of each Christmas has admitted that they made a mistake in choosing French sperm for this year’s ‘must have’ item.

Retailers have long known the benefits of announcing a shortage, with panicky shoppers now buying sprout trees and goose fat as early as July.

But so far, there hasn’t been a single French sperm sold on ebay, despite supplies reportedly dwindling by 32%.

Delia Smith is surprised that no-one is interested in the shortage, but admits it’s not to everyone’s taste.

“Normally, the public are sent into a frenzy when we tell them we’ve run out of something”, claimed Delia.

“But to date there’s not been a single person browsing my website for a recipe for rare Gallic spunk.”

Sperm shortage

Speculators have grown to rely on the Scrooge Foundation’s annual recommendation, and the stampedes of shoppers clamouring to buy something they have no clue what to do with.

But the group admits that adverts featuring French sperm turn shoppers away, despite a rebrand as ‘Creme Francais Lite’.

Waitrose Marketing Director Gordon Jones hasn’t given up yet, though; he’s convinced there’s still time to whip up a riot of unseemly demand.

“We’ll soon have people offering £300 quid for small bowl of the stuff”, he insisted.

“I just need to convince Heston to chuck an orange in the middle.”

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