‘Offset murder’ offers wealthy an easier way of tackling climate change

author avatar by 12 years ago

A psychopathic think-tank has suggested a radical solution to man-made global warming, by murdering impoverished strangers so the wealthy can offset their carbon emissions.

With CO2 emissions growing by over 3% a year, the lobby group insists there should be no delay in reducing the pitter-patter of tiny carbon footprints.

Environmentalists have known for some time that planting trees can be time-consuming and boring, whereas paying a hitman to kill a few families on a Pacific atoll can easily offset a trans-Atlantic flight.

For a monthly fee ‘Carbine Offset’ will shoot people you weren’t likely to meet anyway, so you can continue to use an outdoor hot tub in January with a completely clean conscience.

Carbon offset opportunities

Graham Collis says his group has never been so busy.

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While driving a Prius is too horrible a fate for his customers to imagine, many are more than happy to ‘offset murder’ for the sake of their children’s future.

For many, such a simple choice will come as relief. As Collis explained, “It’s much harder to slightly reduce our own emissions, than to completely stop someone else’s.”

Targeting the World’s poorest would appear to be cruel at first, but Collis pointed out that the malnourished are poorly insulated, and idle fat cats make better carbon sinks.

The figures are astonishing. Wiping out just a handful of sub-Saharan subsistence farmers could offset several winter skiing trips.

Though some have criticised the plan as ‘monstrous’, Collis is unrepentant.

“If we’re honest, none of my clients are ever going to change their behaviour, so the people we’re offsetting were going to die shortly anyway”, he insisted.

“At least this way, we can tell our children that we managed to hit a few of our targets.”

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