Friday 30 November 2012

Leveson report needs more sex, wizards or vampires, insist literary critics


The newly published Leveson report has been savaged by critics for its lack of soft-porn action or moody vampires that glimmer in the daylight.

Early reviews of the Leveson report have described it as ‘dull’, ‘lacking a cohesive narrative’ and containing ‘the least plausible bad guys in a generation’.

The one-star reviews led to Lord Leveson’s first book signing at Waterstones on London’s Oxford street being a very tame affair, attended by just two back-bench Conservatives wondering if a sequel with a different ending was on the cards.

Early reader Simon Williams told us, “I was excited to read it, especially after hearing everyone talking about its release for the last week or so.”

“I thought it might be a bit like the Minority Report – but it isn’t. At all.”

“It’s not set in the future, but some parallel modern-day universe where everything you read is controlled by a series of complete shits.”

“I’ve no idea who the hero is, and frankly my missus is going to struggle to masturbate to it.”

Leveson reviews

Another reader left disappointed by the report is Deirdre Matthews, 47.

“I heard mention of blood-suckers, so thought there might be some vampires in it.”

“But I think the only one is this ‘Murdoch’ character. I can’t be sure, but he’s definitely not one of those brooding sexy, glow in the sun types.”

“I did work out who ‘he who must not be named’ is though – it’s that Paul Dacre chap, isn’t it?”

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