Thursday 29 November 2012 by Ollie Perks

Leveson throws doubt over the future of horoscopes


With the future of press regulation under intense scrutiny following the release of the Leveson enquiry’s recommendations, the slashing of horoscopes from papers is a suggestion nobody could have predicted.

Lord Justice Leveson insists ‘misleading information and churlish speculation in the printed news media must cease’ and states ‘it’s ok to report on the salacious lives of the stars, but you mustn’t make future predictions on them’.

The move has angered the largest fortune tellers’ union, the Utter Commitment to Representing Astrologers and Psychics.

In a vague statement from Utter CRAP released on a premium rate phone line, their leader Davey Moon said “Today will see someone with an L name putting our job prospects under the spotlight.”

“However help may be at hand from the Number 10.”

Leveson threatens horoscopes

Unfortunately for those supporting Utter CRAP, an unnamed Downing Street source has told us that although David Cameron is unlikely to introduce any extra regulation against the generic guesswork of his friends, he will legislate against the generic guesswork of Mystic Meg.

“I heard him tell Nick Clegg he wants to ban the immoral practices used in getting horoscopes” he told us.

“I say ‘heard’, I got it from the Deputy Prime Ministers voicemail.”

The crackdown on astrology in the mainstream media comes despite the testimony of one reader who told the enquiry she felt the readings were incredibly accurate.

“Only yesterday it said ‘a forceful planetary influence will see you make an important decision’. Later on that day I decided to continue breathing. What are the chances of that?”

She also cited a prediction that she would remain single, however this evidence was seen as inadmissible as that statement is pretty much true for anyone believing in astrology.

We spoke to Mystic Meg, to find out how these recommendations have affected her.

She told us she’s very upset and didn’t see it coming. “It’s at times like this you wish you were psychic,” she told us.

“But as always, my future will be decided by ‘The Sun’.”

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