Thursday 29 November 2012 by The Whomper

Government launches bottles designed to embarrass people out of drinking


After the public responded to a planned minimum price for alcohol by sighing and asking whether it really needs central heating, Teresa May has announced plans to sexify the issue with a ‘Shame into Sobriety’ campaign.

Inspired by the shouty warnings and nightmarish imagery that appear on cigarette boxes, the government intends to force alcohol producers to introduce bespoke packaging for a range of drinks, designed to make their target market blush in horror, or at least avert its gaze in shame.

“For example, bottles containing high-testosterone lager will be emblazoned with slogans like ‘I’d much rather be putting a cock to my lips’ in order to put off the majority of their consumers, who remain stubbornly homophobic,” explained May.

“These bottles will also be set to emit a highly-camp ‘ooohh’ noise when they are opened.”

Alcohol campaign

The government stressed that they were targeting alcohol users right across the class spectrum, and intend to sell expensive wines in plastic bottles with labels written in crayon and with a giant 50% off sticker on the side – even though they’ll always be full price.

“Obviously some drinks have a more general appeal,” continued May, “In these cases we’ll just use something that causes widespread revulsion, like Piers Morgan’s smiling face.”

“On high-strength spirit bottles we’ll simply stick a photo of a hideously disfigured man-blob or blobbess beneath the phrase ‘What time’s breakfast?’”

However when trialled in pubs across Britain, the proposed changes didn’t go down quite as expected.

“Cor, if they promise I’ll be going home with something like that then I’ll down the bottle right now,” cheered Stan Dighope.

Glen Bardenning shrugged, “I’ll just get a WKD in, it looks exactly the same.”

When asked why alcopops had been apparently overlooked, May lamented, “How can you shame a grown man who wilfully drinks that teen-bop pretence for alcohol?”

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