Tuesday 27 November 2012 by Spacey and Gary Stanton

Publishers to release ‘Learn French the Joey Barton way’


From the people who brought you Steve McClaren’s Dutch In Ten Eashy Shtepsh.

Have you ever wished you could speak a foreign language, but just can’t be arsed to learn? Then English footballer Joey Barton – pronounced Joseef Bahton – has the answer.

The former Man City and Newcastle midfielder, who is currently on loan at Olympique de Marseille from QPR, amazed the gathered media at a recent press conference after he used the English language to communicate in fluent French.

“If you think a circumflex involves the use of a scalpel, and a Cedilla is a monster created by nuclear testing then this is the book you’ve been waiting for!” – Piers Morgan

Learn how to shrug your shoulders in French!

Wan! Tooooo! Thwee! Fwar! Learn how to count to twenty as you punch someone repeatedly in the face!

Meh! Learn to not give a shit as only the French know how!

With invaluable phrases like, ‘I sink you av speeled ma dreenk, zerefore I weel extuingueesh zis cigar een yur fess’ and ‘Wizzout ze musique life wud bee a mistaque’, Joey will teach you how to enjoy a night out while impressing the locals with your knowledge of Nietzsche.

Turn your Gallic disdain on match officials. ‘Why you geef me red card? Ees only a dislocated shouldeur ‘ and ‘Zat ball was neffeur out of play – you sink I am sam sort of cont?”

An ideal gift for native English speakers who think “savoir faire” is a theme park near Bootle. So why not add a certain Je ne sais quoi to your spell in Casualty this Christmas?

On sale now at the bargain price of seex pounds seexty!

Also in this series – Emile Heskey’s Bloody Beaut Guide to Australia, Understanding the Wiltshire Dialect with Paolo di Canio and How to speak Los Angelican by David Beckham.

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