A global crisis emerged this morning after the discovery that a pop dance sensation from South Korea is identical to the Mayan devil-summoning ritual that will ultimately bring about the end of the world.
Folklorist Daniel Rasley screamed in terror, before telling us “Given the dance’s astonishing cross-cultural popularity, I’d begun to suspect there were dark forces at work.”
“When I checked the sequence of the horse-riding moves with a Mayan scroll it suddenly became clear: we have all been calling on the four horsemen of the apocalypse to come and ransack our world with their monstrous army.”
After Rasley’s claims were verified, the Internet was immediately shut down for the day while thousands of cleaners wearing protective tin-foil suits were sent in to destroy every last trace of the dance.
As an added precaution against contamination, only those without rhythm were permitted to enter.
Gangnam Mayan style
In an emergency meeting of world leaders, it was decreed that all those who have performed the dance are possessed beyond all hope of redemption, and will have to be blown up post-haste.
Those who have only watched the dance will have to drink a mug of Mr Muscle to cleanse their insides of demonic influences.
When Psy was told that, as the source of the dance, he would unfortunately be thrown into a live volcano to send the head devil back down to the underworld, he let out a sigh of relief: “Funnily enough, I’ve been dreaming of death’s cold, sweet embrace for the last couple of weeks.”
“Being boiled alive in molten lava makes me feel wonderfully relaxed when the alternative is performing that stupid skipping jig 50 times a day for the rest of my life.”