Tuesday 20 November 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Ordaining female bishops ‘would lead to boobs on Jesus’


Opponents of female bishops have claimed their ordination could undermine the masculinity of Jesus, to the point where ‘he would have to be depicted with an ample pair of breasts’.

Currently the Church only allows men to work in Senior Management positions.

Shareholders insist that these workers represent the company’s mythical founding Father and Son, and as such, they should be blessed with ample todgers.

But with a handful of non-penised people now being allowed to dabble in low-level vicaring, some fear the creeping feminisation of the organization could see their trademark’s loin cloth replaced with a skimpy bikini.

Archbishop Welby is in favour of recruiting a few Bishopettes, and has been handing out plasticine dongs to women to help them feel closer to God.

“I’m hopeful that we’ll vote in favour of allowing women to get a little closer to our stained glass ceiling”, said Welby. “In the eyes of Our Lord, all men are equal, and women aren’t that far behind.”

Female bishops

A uniform consisting of trousers, a big watch and a ceremonial beard will let people distinguish the new marginally inferior bishops, and Welby has a team of carpenters on standby, should the vote go in his favour.

“They’re ready to knock up some knockers for just under 50% of all our crucifixion statues”, said Welby.

“That should give the dears some encouragement that they were more or less created in the image of God.”

Welby believes women can fill people’s heads with rubbish almost as well as the next man, but draws the line at imagining God would have been as tolerant of homosexuals.

“There are certain policies we shouldn’t question”, insisted Welby.

“As I stand here in my dress, surrounded by semi-nude Jesuses and a massive organ, I can’t imagine why anyone would think we should branch out into gay marriage.”

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