Thursday 15 November 2012 by Gary Stanton

Israel and Hamas pledge to listen to Armstrong The Good Giraffe


Warmongers in Israel and Gaza were prepared to reconcile their differences last night based on advice given to them by a Scotsman dressed in a giraffe costume.

Unemployed Armstrong Baillie, 32 in Glasgow years, insists the long-running dispute can be solved by random acts of kindness towards strangers, irrespective of whether there is a tank pointing at you.

Baillie now plans to use his giraffe-based shtick to persuade aggressors on both sides to pull back from the brink and make progress towards a two-state solution, which will hopefully involve giraffes somewhere.

During the past six months Baillie has handed out free bananas to napalm victims in Aleppo and risked NHS fury by giving water to thirsty old people in British hospitals.

He said, “It makes me happy when I see a Palestinian mother who has lost her entire family to a stray Israeli phosphorous shell smile when I hand her a warm cup of coffee.”

Giraffe kindness

The unemployed Glaswegian will meet with senior Hamas militants and appeal to their inner giraffe before requesting that they aim their rockets into the sea and admit that the holocaust was some ‘pretty bad shit’.

Meanwhile, Hamas admitted that the killing of Ahmed Said Khalil al-Jabari, the head of the group’s military wing of Hamas, would probably not have happened had he been dressed as a giraffe.

“Maybe everybody should dress as a giraffe,” conceded acting commander Ahmed al Ahmed

But his suggestion was met with fury by Israeli leader Binyamin Netanyahu, who claimed that Syrian-backed giraffes were behind the 1973 Yom Kippur war and that hippos were a much better animal.

“And I’ll bomb the shit out of anyone who says it isn’t,” he concluded.

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