Tuesday 13 November 2012 by The Whomper

French children and sex maniacs in unlikely alliance against Nutella tax


Nutella tax in France

Strikes and protests are expected across the classrooms, school hallways and sex dungeons of France today, as the nation’s school children and sexual perverts unite against a proposed fat tax on Nutella.

Babbling in infantile French and sobbing inconsolably, the country’s sexual Casanovas will take to the streets alongside more stoic primary school kids to demonstrate against a planned 300% increase in tax on palm oil, Nutella’s key ingredient.

“Ze oil is essential for ze lubrication,” informed Charlotte, 7, “Without it my baguette would never taste so good.”

“My wife always says ze same,” winked Pierre, 32, shortly before he was jumped and mercilessly cock-whipped by nearby Lotharios for being in a long-term, monogamous relationship.

“Faithful, committed scum,” spat one as he helicoptered him across the chops.

Of the 100 million Nutella jars sold in France every year, 30 million go to schools and families with young children, and 60 million to single men called Hugo or Xavier with untamed chest hair, fiery testicles and a penchant for wipe-clean furniture.

The remaining 10 million are bought by the French government and stored in a nuclear-proof bunker in case of national emergency.

Olivier, 9, commented, “This substance is crucial to our nation’s future – tax its choconut goodness at lunchtime, and you tax a child’s ability to concentrate through afternoon maths and history, leaving ze country scientifically and culturally bereft.”

Philippe ‘Le Saucisson d’Amour’ Pleureur, 48, concurred, “I once made ze mistake of having a sex festival with two girls who had nut allergies, and my post-coital afternoon nap was terribly restless.

“With the price increase my weekly jar consumption would fall into single figures, a terrifying prospect not just for me, but for Petit Pleureur too.”

Both groups have prepared signs for the protest, including ‘Please Mr Hollande, don’t steal our sunshine’, ‘Nutella – nutty nutrition for young minds and middle-aged bodies’ and ‘How can I be fat when I’m fucking so hard?’

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