Thursday 8 November 2012 The Whomper

Bradley Wiggins crashes bike in bid to avoid Chris Evans show


Tour de France  winner and Olympic cycling champion Bradley Wiggins was involved in a mildly debilitating accident yesterday, in a desperate attempt to get out of an appearance on Chris Evan’s Radio 2 show.

Wiggins has been struggling to come to terms with life as a celebrity, and the idea of being stuck for two hours in a confined space with a burbling ginger whirlwind of forced bonhomie apparently drove him over the edge.

Eyewitnesses to the accident, in which Wiggins broke his ribs and dislocated his finger, stated that they had seen him riding recklessly backwards and forwards along a stretch of road looking for a plausible avoidance excuse.

Pensioner Mike Tittingdon said, “I was just picking up my daily Yop from the petrol station when I saw this chap on a bike careering towards a van that had just pulled out.”

“He yelled something like ‘Not the rich man’s Les Dennis’ before hurling himself into its windscreen with all the sweaty determination of Jimmy Savile leaping into a ballpool full of frolicking schoolgirls.”

Bradley Wiggins ‘accident’

Sources close to Wiggins expressed a complete lack of surprise about what had happened, with one commenting, “I believe it’s a phenomenon known as ‘Evan’s Law’.”

“The more likely one is to share a room with a self-consciously ‘mental’ ginger, the more likely one is to resort to self-harm.”

On his sickbed, and wearing an expression of contentment tinged with relief, Wiggins sighed, “Although I’d been planning this for weeks, I still had the immense good fortune to collide with a lady van driver.”

“Now any claim that this was my fault will surely be drowned in the dribble and hate-filled spittle of thousands of bellowing chauvinists.”

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