Wednesday 7 November 2012 The Whomper

UK nationalists ‘ecstatic’ about the demise of foreign trees


Nationalist groups were last night celebrating the success of their ‘British soil for British roots’ campaign, after discovering that most trees threatened by the ash dieback disease originated outside the UK.

“I’m all choked up,” gasped BNP member Barry Sanderling, “I’ve spent half my life fighting on behalf of your average oak or holly bush, and this indiscriminate slaughter just feels like vindication.”

“No longer will the humble hawthorn be the victim of positive discrimination from sappy leftist woodland planners.”

Although it’s not yet clear whether the deadly disease arrived in the country naturally or through the actions of a rogue branch of the English Defence League, nationalist movements were quick to claim credit.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage chortled, “This is the first time God has answered my prayers since the Dutch elm epidemic of the 1970s.”

“Or the Fernal Solution, as we called it at the time.”

dieback disease spreads

Farage continued, “No, I’m not an arborist, just an arboralist – I simply want to put the rights of the British tree first.”

“Take those foreign-born ash trees: they’re used to spending all their time sunbathing and having their tree-estas in the afternoon, instead of producing an honest day’s oxygen.”

BNP leader Nick Griffin was similarly over the moon: “For years I’ve been sending English Justice Teams to various copses and wooded regions to dish out some old school lessons in respect to these foreign upstarts.”

“It’s nothing sinister, they normally just chant for the tree to fuck off back where it came from, maybe rustle up its leaves a bit. Nothing more.”

However, some far-right extremists remained unsatisfied with the ash’s imminent demise.

35 year-old lunatic Greg Croft barked, “I’ll not rest until all foreign-sapped trees are extinct, even if that means torching every tree in the UK.”

“I don’t care if we’d all die – better dead than foreign-bred!”

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