Wednesday 31 October 2012 by Waylandsmithy

George Lucas to spend $4bn on giant retirement death star


Incessant Star Wars meddler George Lucas has begun work on an fully accessible retirement death star, after selling his soul to Disney for $4bn.

Situated in the Dagobah System for its rheumatism-friendly atmosphere, the spherical haven is held in a geostationary orbit around its creator’s massive ego.

The nearer-to-death star is based on a classic 1977 design, although Lucas is insisting on several poorly thought-out extensions and a massive increase in handrails and stairlifts.

While work on the space carbuncle has been shrouded in secrecy, obsessive fans have vowed to track it down and try to sneak in through an exhaust port.

Speaking through an unnecessarily breathy helmet and wearing dangerously built-up boots, the diminutive Lucas strangled a midget in a white military uniform and digitally added a shit-looking camel.

Lucas sells to Disney

A spokesman for the rebel band of pseudo-trekkies was unrepentant.

Armed only with a fluorescent light tube and a blatant pair of pyjamas, Luke Porchsitter vowed to confront Lucas and make him sign his lunchbox.

Fellow rebel Hans Lives-Solo appeared to support the far, far-fetched plan.

With a mongrel wookie on a string to look after and a never-ending battle with the rising price of collectibles, Lives-Solo insisted that Lucas and he would really hit it off, grab a beer and discuss his script in which C3PO teaches the audience to understand Linux.

Lucas, however, is ready for such invasions of privacy.

“My specially adapted Tie-Prius awaits in my space garage, no rebel scum will ever find me”, roared Lucas.

“Although it can be tricky to reverse out: it hindsight, it was a mistake to make the walls slowly close in on themselves.”

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