Tuesday 30 October 2012

4G set to increase speed at which you completely waste your life


The unveiling of the first 4G network in the UK is set to herald unprecedented speeds at which you can undertake activities that are a complete waste of time.

According to network provider Everything Everywhere, you will be able to watch videos of cats and Korean popstars in high-definition right in the palm of your hand, without waiting for anything to load.

A spokesperson explained, “Think of all the crap you look at on your phone, and think of how much more you could consume without any loading time? This new network means you’ll be able to move onto the next thoroughly pointless video even faster than before.”

“On 3G you might spend as much as four hours wasting your morning’s productivity – with 4G we can let you waste an entire day before lunch.”

4G launch

Early users of the 4G network have marvelled at their ability to do pointless things much faster than ever before.

Simon Williams explained, “Look at this – I’m flicking through funny photos on Reddit faster than I do on my laptop. Now I’ll definitely be the first the repost the best stuff to Facebook and make it seem like I’m funny.”

The spokesperson for Everything Everywhere concluded, “No, this isn’t what we had in mind when we conceived 4G, but if people are willing to spend £50 a month in order to play Farmville with less of a time lag, then we’re all for it.”

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