Friday 26 October 2012

37 year-old male still awaiting first bid on his virginity


After the success of Brazilian student Catarina Migliorini in selling her virginity online for $780,000, 37 year-old Simon Williams is excitedly waiting for the first bid on his own well-preserved cherry.

Ms Migliorini sold her virginity to a Japanese businessman in order to ‘raise money for charity’, though Williams’ intentions are not quite so altruistic.

The pale Lancastrian told us, “Hornby have just released a new version of the ‘Crewkerne’ West Country locomotive in a 4-6-2 wheel configuration.”

“It’s got a 5 Pole Skew Wound Loco Drive, and I’m sure you know those things don’t come cheap. So if some rich lady has £269.99 going spare then she can have her wicked way with me if she likes.”

“Nothing too strenuous though, I bruise like a peach.”

Virginity sold on eBay

Williams insisted that although he hasn’t had any actual bids as yet, the auction page has been viewed seven times and two people are now ‘watching’ it.

He continued, reading from his listing page, “I’m clean, and moderately healthy, though my allergies will make it difficult to do anything outside, and if you have a cat I could find myself having an asthma attack.”

“All bedding will need to be hypoallergenic, obviously.”

“I can fit you in any time between Countdown on Channel 4 and Only Connect on BBC 4 next Monday.”

“You know, all these details are all there in the listing, I don’t see why you want me to keep reading them to you?”

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