Olympic diving sensation Tom Daley is still bravely clinging to his bronze medal, despite the ever-present fear that someone might one day try to steal it.
With gold medals being targeted by heartless thieves too ordinary to win their own, Daley believes it’s ‘only a matter of time’ before they work their way down to bronze.
“Team GB won a whopping 29 golds in London and just 19 bronze medals, so mine is actually quite rare”, insisted Daley.
Britain’s criminals are often hampered by red tape at home, their training disrupted by community service orders, electronic tags and inadequate prison facilities.
While some light-fingered Brits head overseas to practice thievery at altitude, the majority rarely progress beyond Creme Eggs and razor blades.
Daley still thinks there’s hope.
“You need ambition in this game, but you also need plenty of excuses and low expectations, so it won’t be long before someone targets my bronze”, suggested Daley.
“After all, there’s no point aiming to get your hands on a diving gold. The Chinese team had to give them to the authorities, so they could get their kids back.”
Daley accused thieves of spending too much time focusing on interviews and spotlights, and not enough on training, or being any good.
“My publicist and I are sure it won’t be long before we’re explain what this loss means to us”, he sobbed.
“I just hope no-one specifically targets it in the unlocked boot of my pale blue Ford Fiesta, registration number TN12 QMZ.”