In a bid to prevent Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign from being sabotaged by gurgling misogynists, the Republican party have decided to rebrand ‘pregnancy-causing rape’ as a ‘God hug’.
The move comes after both Republican Party Candidate Richard Mourdock and Republican Congressman Todd Akin publicly pledged their support for rapists, on the proviso that they succeed in impregnating their victims.
“Let me be clear,” prophesied Mourdock, “Rape is bad. In fact, not just bad, but really bad, and so are rapists too. I wouldn’t knowingly share a jacuzzi with one, or even invite one to a garden party where U2 were playing. And I hate U2.”
“But if a woman becomes pregnant with the seed of her rapist, then that is God’s will and that’s brilliant. In fact, not just brilliant, but holy too.”
Amid a national outcry about the comments, the party issued a statement to quell the fires of indignation.
“Whilst we recognise that God’s hugs can take a bit of getting used to, that’s only because they come straight from heaven, and so they’re difficult for us mortals to comprehend,” continued Mourdock.
“We are committed to helping both those blessed with God’s hugs and the God huggers themselves. Because if rapists are giving out gifts from God, then they must be revered, right?”
“If we punish them then we’re saying that gifts from God are a bad thing, and then our heads start to hurt.”
In spite of these reassuring words, some experts stubbornly maintained that Romney was irreparably tarnished by the affair.
“You know all those funny terms for groups of animals, like a parliament of owls and a crash of rhinos?” said linguist and dictionary editor Holly Treebush, “Well, do you want to guess what the official collective noun now is for a group of Republicans?”
“That’s right, it’s a rape of Republicans.”
“I’d love to change it, but, you know, God made me promise not to.”