The government is to change the rules on food labelling in the vain hope that morons will finally understand what they are putting in their mouths.
Using bright colours and simple words like ‘good’ and ‘bad’ experts hope to reduce confusion among people who don’t understand words like ‘fat’ and ‘sugar’.
Dietician Simon Williams explained, “You only have to look at the average British High Street to understand that Joe and Joanna Public have absolutely no idea what constitutes a healthy diet.”
“But most of them can just about understand bright colours and mono-syllable instructions if they’re shouted at them from the front of a packet.”
“Fortunately it’s within the government’s power to ask food manufacturers to present nutritional information this way – even if it feels like talking to a child who’s been eating mud.”
The change has been welcomed by the sort of people who struggle to do up their shoe laces in the mornings.
Heart attack waiting to happen Dave Matthews told us, “It’s all so confusing. I mean this Hawaiian Pizza has tomatoes and pineapple, so I don’t understand why this isn’t at least two of my five a day?”
“Apples are red, so are they now bad?”
“And what about Heineken, that comes in a green can so must be good for me, right?”
“My head hurts.”