Tuesday 23 October 2012 by Formelia Alberthine

Phone call app translator set to revolutionise communications with Geordies


Communication with Geordies is to set to be revolutionised following the development of ‘Wey-Aye-Fi’ app, which offers real-time translations of the noises leaving the mouths of people from Newcastle upon Tyne.

The app, which will translate utterances of north-east natives and relay them back to the recipient in English, is said to use an algorithm so sophisticated it would be refused entry into every single nightspot in Newcastle’s city centre.

A spokesman for the Japanese mobile network responsible for bringing the product to market, NTT Docomo, said extracting a modicum of sense from the incomprehensible sounds Geordie’s consider words and phrases had at first seemed an insurmountable challenge.

He told reporters, “We needed to consult several world-renowned experts in Neanderthal linguistics before progress could be made.”

“It’s been a difficult process, but we’ve finally unlocked the secrets of the Geordie dialect,” he told a press conference.

“By allowing people from the north-east of England to engage freely in real-time conversations with native English speakers, we are truly bringing the inhabitants of Newcastle into the modern age.”

Real-time translation app

Non-Geordie, Pete Ball, said that while he welcomed the advances in linguistic technologies, it would be far better if they invented an app to silence the region ‘en masse’.

“Geordie-cancelling headphones. There’s a free idea for you right there. I bet you’d sell a shit load, too.”

“I think the mistake this app has made is in the assumption that people actually want to understand what the Geordies are saying.”

“I fail to see what’s wrong with just nodding and smiling politely whenever one tries to talk to you?”

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