A man who interrupted a televised Croquet match between two Eton school houses by wandering across the field in the middle of the game, has been sentenced to death this morning.
Trenton Newfield, 36, said his wander across the field of play was a protest against such outright privilege during a time of austerity.
Sentencing Newfield, Judge Anne Molyneux said, “You spoiled the enjoyment of others, both spectators and television viewers, and for that we must punish you to a far greater extent than the petty criminals who steal stuff and assault people.”
“You acted dangerously, and could have been hit by a mallet or ball had an eagle-eyed young Etonian not spotted you first.”
“The death penalty has been banned since 1969, but we will never know who might have won this match had you not intervened – so in this case I have no choice but to bring it back.”
Prison for sport protester
Experts have claimed that a such a severe sentence is probably a little bit excessive given the nature of the crime.
Defence lawyer Simon Williams explained, “At the end of the day, the only thing that happened is a sporting competition between some toffs got delayed, and some commentators had to pad for time for half an hour whilst he was dealt with.”
“If he’d interrupted a Croquet match between two state comprehensive schools, do you think he’d be sentenced to death? No, nor do I.”