Tuesday 16 October 2012

Britain absolutely disgusting


You are disgusting and should be sterilised, a new survey into the hand-washing habits of the British public has revealed.

The survey, conducted by London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, found that most Brits will only rub a bar of soap against their damp hands if they can actually smell the shit on their fingers.

One of those surveyed, 35 year-old Simon Williams, told us, “If I can’t smell it, then it’s obviously not there – that’s the way I was brought up and it never did me and my family of incredibly sickly children any harm.”

“Human faeces might sound disgusting to a lot of people, but to me it’s perfectly natural, like organic vegetables and bird flu.”

“Anyway, who has twenty seconds to spare in order to wash their hands after a bowel movement? I know I certainly don’t.”

“I need to get straight back out there shaking hands and pressing the flesh. We political lobbyists are busy people you know.”

British Hygiene

The survey also found that everything you’re currently touching is covered in the anal excretions of at least eight people.

Lead researcher Sharon Jenkins told us, “There is so much human faeces currently in circulation that it’s quite possible the average shop will hand you change with at least some of your own poo already on it.”

“We call it the Circle of Shite.”

“In London, the population is so vomit-inducingly disgusting that the volume of shit on twenty pound notes now outnumbers the amount of Cocaine by ten to one.”

“Remember that next time you shove one up your nose.”

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