Thursday 11 October 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Lance Armstrong launches ‘Livestrong’ yellow rubber tourniquet


Livestrong tournequet

Drug peddler Lance Armstrong has hit back at his critics, by launching a range of ‘Livestrong’ tourniquets.

Ideal for raising money to further research into cheating, the new yellow band also highlights the appropriate veins for direct drug infusion.

Armstrong hopes that the tourniquet will be popular with his fans, which is available from all good EPO dealers.

“Wrapping a rubber strap around your arm as you clear air bubbles from a syringe is something many keen cyclists will relate to”, insisted Armstrong.

“But it’s not just the professionals who can cheat, why not follow my example?”, asked Armstrong.

“With just a few regular blood transfusions and a cocktail of banned drugs, you too could shave seconds off a paper round.”

Livestrong

Despite all the compelling evidence, Armstrong believes he’s still a role model to others who might not be strong enough to ignore the nagging moral voices in their heads.

“It takes dedication, deep character flaws and an awful lot of drugs to achieve what I did during my career”, he claimed.

“Not everyone’s got the balls to lie to millions of people, or dump their fiance when they find out she’s got cancer.”

Armstrong believes that if his fans buy more than one tourniquet, it will help restore their faith in him.

As he explained, “if they wear two, they won’t be able to throw their hands up in disgust.”

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