Tuesday 9 October 2012

Nation’s workers excited to retain financial ties to companies that sacked them


Employment rights for shares

George Osborne’s plan to give workers shares in businesses in return for letting that business sack them incredibly easily has been met with great excitement by simpletons who clearly haven’t thought it through.

Osborne used his conference speech yesterday to unveil a scheme which will give the company you work for the right to get rid of you on a whim in return for some infinitesimally small share in the business.

Worker Simon Williams told us, “Yes, I imagine owning a few quids worth of stock in the company that led to me losing my house will be of great comfort to me in years to come.”

“I’m sure I will squeal with delight every time a pitiful dividend cheque arrives with my name on it.”

“I’ve always found ‘closure’ to be a vastly overrated psychological need after any failed relationship, and I’m glad to see the government’s commitment to eliminating ‘closure’ in the workplace.”

“Forcing dumped workers to retain ties to the companies that didn’t want them will produce a battle-hardened emotionally broken workforce capable of taking on the world. Definitely.”

Shares for employment rights

People who know what it’s like to be let go from a company have said this is possibly George Osborne’s worst idea to date, including his choice of haircut for that Bullingdon Club group photograph.

As one explained, “This will be like keeping ownership of a drawer in the flat that belongs to your ex-girlfriend – the one who dumped you because she didn’t fancy you any more.”

“She’ll write to you, probably once a year, and tell you how the draw is getting on much better now you don’t directly influence it, and how great everything is over there now you’re gone and have been replaced by someone much more attractive.”

“That’ll be just lovely, won’t it?”

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