Tuesday 9 October 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Nation develops amazing power to root out dead paedophiles


As more victims of dead sex pests give their evidence to the police, millions of Britons have noticed that they probably thought they were guilty all along.

Experts have claimed that such retrospective powers of detection could prevent past crimes going unpunished in the future.

Authorities are urging the public to look at a recent list of perverts, and nod sagely at their weird eyes, and mutter ‘I knew it, the dirty bastard’.

“Those with this special power should come forward and help us with our enquiries”, urged Detective Blakely of the recently formed Obvious Crimes Unit.

“Alternatively, just comment on how obvious it was in hindsight, whenever you get the chance.”

Obvious

The new powers of observation seem to be particularly honed amongst those that actually saw crimes being committed by celebrity nonces in their pre-dead state.

“Our team think there may be a correlation between witnessing a crime with your own two eyes, and then knowing at a later date that what they were doing was wrong”, suggest Blakely.

“For some reason, the link isn’t always made until it’s a threat to the witness’s career.”

While some celebrities are renowned for creeping the shit out of TV audiences, not every dead-eyed, bearded freak has been outed by their co-workers.

“There’s still work to do in this area”, acknowledged Blakely, “we think some may be evading justice by remaining alive.”

“But with your help and the grim inevitability of mortality, they’ll get theirs in the end.”

In the meantime, Blakely is encouraging those that experience a hunch to cross-check their findings on Twitter.

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